isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Every house has this drawer
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
o shit
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.