isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*


Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue

*Never shuts the hell up*


Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself


My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.


Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.


can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?


What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!


Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.


Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?