@ghostkrogh

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

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@murrman5

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@NotPeterStark

Ladies I’ll drive you crazy with my tongue

*Never shuts the hell up*

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@KentWGraham

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

@Reverend_Scott

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

@fandomkynz

can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?

@LeahTiscione

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

@Staggfilms

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

@ThaJawn

Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you’re here. Can you get me the remote off the table?