@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
You Might Also Like
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.