@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
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Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
oh she’s cooked
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%