@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
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I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good