@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
