@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Livid.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
me: my friends:
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic