#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You Might Also Like
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
