Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago