Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

Interior designer.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.