Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute