Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.