Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.