Isn’t
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Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
😭😭
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Tier 3 meme
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me