Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The Eggorcist
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
