Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
