Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Writing, She Murdered.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
