Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

I’ve been drinking.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck