isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.