isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home