Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Haha good job!!
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho