Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel