Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
When you’re here for the treats.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?