Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this