Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Real 😅
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes