Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

ㅤ

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!