Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
She was REALLY feeling it.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.