Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog