Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
aura
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.