Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
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*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Well, this certainly took a turn
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
There is no try. There is only give up.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese