Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*offers Batman cough drops*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Yep.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question