Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ