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The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.


ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch


You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.


*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down


Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.


If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.


[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER


[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know