The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
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This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know