I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.