Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Wikigenius
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news