Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire