Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend