Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?