Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

Seek kebab; not attention

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Breakfast for Stoners:

Chicago sounds lovely.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]