Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The days of good grammer has went
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.