My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?