Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.