Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*