Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.