Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.