Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.