Isn’t
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Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…