Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.