Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.