Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

According to math, I’m broke

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd