ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.