@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

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@WilliamRodgers

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

@danadonly

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@50FirstTates

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.