@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

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@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

@DaddyJew

Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here

@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@Spaziotwat

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

@rolldiggity

1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.

@Xalqee

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

@Home_Halfway

ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later
ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank?
[From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH
ROOMMATE: Yeah I don’t know man

@iscoff

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal