@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

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@corinnemlwsw

Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it’s an intervention.

@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@TheWoodenslurpy

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

@jonnysun

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

@stephenjmolloy

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

@DevilryFun

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.