911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?
Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours
Cop: get outta here
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later
ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank?
[From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH
ROOMMATE: Yeah I don’t know man
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal