“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.