ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

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Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it’s an intervention.



Adored by women
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous


Unfollowed by cat magazine.


It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.


On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.


You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.


idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them


me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me


Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.


Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head


Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.