Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.