Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

There are no pants in heaven.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!