Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you