Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches