It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
How to woo a woman
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
This is what makes twitter great
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes