It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not