Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

I’m an avid indoorsman.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.