Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*