Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

SQUARREL

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

definitely did not do anything wrong

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.