Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *