It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Don’t snitch tag.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.