Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

🙋‍♀️

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.