@JB4Realz

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

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@kennyflorian

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

@SvnSxty

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

@HepatitisAtoZ

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

@iRowlf

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

@KattsDogma

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

@msmollybee25

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers