It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”