It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.


my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look


the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range


I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.


Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.


Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.


I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?


*wakes up drenched in sweat*


“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers