“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
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If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.