“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
You Might Also Like
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory