Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

genius

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.