Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now