it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave