it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
The booster protects against what, now?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped