Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.