It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
You Might Also Like
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]