It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Welcome
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.