It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…