Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”