it be like that
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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..