it be like that
You Might Also Like
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night