it be like that
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Look at this
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”